Mad Gods and Englishmen by Ian Armer

Author:Ian Armer
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781846949548
Publisher: John Hunt Publishing
Published: 2012-01-25T05:00:00+00:00

Chapter 22

Hats Entertainment! was owned by a large, dope smoking slack ass called Dando. His shop was situated next door to the pipe shop. The owner of that shop knew him very well.

‘Yeah, he’s out back, the fat fucking prick,’ said Carlos, rearranging his bongs. ‘I’ll go get him for you.’

‘Thanks,’ said Rochelle, holding onto my arm. ‘You’re gonna get a brand new hat!’ she whispered excitedly in my ear.

My hard-on went into overdrive.

‘Hey, hi, how are you this fine day?’ said Dando shuffling towards us, his long goatee caught by the breeze. ‘My name is Dando, I own this fine boutique to all things…’ he lost the word, ‘hats?’ he guessed.

‘Hi, Dando, I’m looking for a real sexy trilby for my friend here.’

‘Let me see, let me see…’ Dando muttered, perusing the hats.

‘There it is! That’s the one!’ said Rochelle, practically jumping for joy. ‘There on the stand by the counter!’

She released my arm and walked past Dando, over to the stand by the counter and retrieved the trilby.

‘Good choice,’ said Dando. ‘Nice hat.’

‘As if you’d know,’ I heard Carlos say. ‘Shithead.’

‘Spick,’ coughed Dando into his hand, before vanishing from sight into the shop to serve Rochelle.

‘Hey, what was that? Did that motherfucker just call me a spick?’

‘No, you misheard,’ I said.

‘Oh, really,’ Carlos said. ‘And what did I mishear exactly?’

‘He didn’t call you a spick,’ I assured Carlos.

‘Good.’

‘More like “cunt”, unless I misheard.’

I got a mouthful in Spanish and Carlos walked away.

Another ethnic group offended by my smart mouth. Still, it was cheering to know I wasn’t prejudiced in my assaults. Every creed and nation was a target.

‘Got it,’ said Rochelle, bounding towards me with an enthu- siasm I would have associated with a horny cheerleader. ‘Put it on!’

I looked at the black, velvet trilby. It just wasn’t me.

‘Please,’ Rochelle said, ‘just give it a go.’

I removed the Berkeley and Rochelle immediately snatched it away and put it on her own head. ‘Mine now. Now you have to wear the trilby!’

I forced a smile and on went the trilby.

‘Take a look in the mirror,’ she suggested.

‘You look like a faggot!’ yelled Carlos.

‘Shut up, you dumb spick!’ bellowed Dando from inside the shop.

‘Motherfucker, I knew you called me a spick!’

‘Try this on for size, you’re also an asshole!’

‘Screw you! I’m calling the cops! I’m sick of your shit!’

‘Ignore them,’ said Rochelle, quietly. ‘What do you think?’

I was lost for a moment in her eyes, and then I took a look in the mirror. I adjusted the hat. I took it off and then put it back on a few times, getting the feel for it.

Rochelle watched me, her smile growing.

‘It’s great,’ I said finally, smiling. ‘It’s me.’

‘Not yet,’ she said, ‘but we’re getting there.’

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